


passionfruit

by poppunkpadfoot (StormVandal)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: HPFT, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 06:53:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15286125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormVandal/pseuds/poppunkpadfoot
Summary: “How would you feel about a free trip to France this summer?”“That depends. What’s the catch?”“It’s a trip with my family,” Marlene says. She can’t quite bring herself to look Sirius in the eye as she continues, “I’d be introducing you as my boyfriend.”For the Prefect's Celebration Challenge on HPFT.





	passionfruit

passionfruit

  


i.

At the time, it had been such an easy white lie to tell.

  


“I have a boyfriend.” It wasn’t as though her parents were going to check or anything; it was just to make sure that they wouldn’t be suspicious, that they wouldn’t somehow figure out that she’s…

  


But she hadn’t been expecting  _ this _ ; she hadn’t been expecting her parents to be quite this interested, nor had she been expecting to get an owl from them that morning -  _ Marlene, that’s wonderful! What’s his name? What’s he like? Do we know him? When will you introduce us? Actually, there’s room for one more on our trip this summer, why don’t you invite him to come to France with us _ , fuck - and so now here she is, clutching the crumpled-up letter in her hand, cornering Sirius Black in the hallway after Charms.

  


Is it a rational progression? No, not really. But she’s weighed her options, and this seems to be the one that will raise the fewest eyebrows.

  


She and Sirius are friends; they’re not particularly  _ close _ , but she likes him, and she trusts him (she thinks), and so it’s Sirius she’ll ask first. If he says no... well, she’ll cross that bridge when she comes to it.

  


“Something I can help you with, Marls?” Sirius asks mildly, one perfect eyebrow raised.

  


“Yes,” she says. “How would you feel about a free trip to France this summer?”

  


“That depends.” He leans against the wall and shoves his hands in his pockets. “What’s the catch?”

  


“It’s a trip with my family,” Marlene says, and chews her lip a little before she speaks again. She can’t quite bring herself to look Sirius in the eye as she continues, “I’d be introducing you as my boyfriend.”

  


There’s a heavy pause - it only lasts a moment, but to Marlene it seems much longer. Finally, she gets up the courage to look up at Sirius again, and he looks… well, a bit rattled. Not upset or anything, just surprised. Maybe a bit uncertain.

  


“Is this your way of subtly asking me out?” he asks, too lightly. “Because if it is, I have to say, it’s not as subtle as you might be going for.”

  


Marlene can’t help her exasperated sigh. She rubs a hand over her eyes - maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. But then, what other choice does she have?

  


“I’m not asking you out,” she says firmly. “I’m asking you to come to France, pretend to be my boyfriend, and not ask too many questions. You get a free vacation out of it. What do you say?”

  


Sirius brings one hand up to his mouth and starts chewing on the skin of his thumb. Marlene can basically see him weighing it out in this head. She tries to wait as patiently as she can for an answer, but nervous energy is running through her body; just as she’s starting to feel like she’s going to lose her cool, though, Sirius finally speaks again.

  


“Where in France?”

  


She blinks, and has to fight back a startled laugh. (Seriously, that’s his question about all this?) “Corsica.”

  


“Alright,” says Sirius. “Alright. I just - I need to check with someone first.”

  


She has no idea who Sirius could possibly need to check with - as far as she knows, he hasn’t had a girlfriend in at least a few months. But she doesn’t feel she’s in any position to push him about it.

  


“Okay,” she says. “Just… let me know soon, yeah?”

  


“Yeah,” Sirius agrees, and then he’s gone, walking down the hallway towards the staircase, looking as casual as anything.

  


She wonders if the fear she holds in every cell of her body is visible to anyone but her. What does everyone else see when they look at Marlene McKinnon?

  


With any luck, it’s not what she sees when she looks in the mirror.

  
  


ii.

She’s expecting to be in limbo for a while, waiting for Sirius to sort out whatever it is he needs to sort out; but he approaches her the next day at lunch and tells her to meet him in the common room that night. She spends the remainder of the day restless, trying not to give in to the anxiety threatening to overwhelm her. (There’s no way that Sirius has figured out that she’s… that…)

  


But the night comes eventually, and the common room actually clears out fairly quickly, leaving Marlene sitting alone in front of the cold fireplace.

  


Sirius joins her in short order - it’s almost as though he’d known exactly when the room would be empty. There’s a short moment where they both just sit there in silence, staring at each other; Sirius is the one who breaks it, much to Marlene’s relief.

  


“Okay,” he says. “If we’re going to do this, we should probably come to a proper agreement.”

  


She sighs with relief, and slumps into the couch a little bit. “Sirius,” she says, “you’re a lifesaver, mate.”

  


Sirius’ mouth twitches a bit, but he doesn’t comment; he just pulls his legs up onto the couch and gets comfortable.

  


“Do I get some background first? Why am I pretending to be your boyfriend?”

  


Would it be more suspicious to lie or to evade the question? It’ll definitely be suspicious if she takes too long to decide. She goes for a mixture of both.

  


“My parents are always nagging me about getting a boyfriend, so I told them I had one. And now they want to meet my mystery boyfriend, and I know they won’t drop it. So here we are.”

  


“Parents.” Sirius shakes his head despairingly. “They’re always hung up on the oddest shit. You’d think they’d want you concentrating on school instead of boys, wouldn’t you?”

  


“Who cares about my 3 Os and 4 Es.” She intends to come off jokingly, but instead she just sounds bitter. “I think they’d have been happier if I’d gotten all As and told them it was because I was distracted by a boy.”

  


“Well,” says Sirius. “We’ll give them distracted.”

  


God, Marlene wants to hug him so tightly right now.

  


“We’ve been dating since April,” she says instead. “That’s what I told them.”

  


He nods, scratches his chin a little. “I’m cool with hand-holding and all the other cuddly shit, but I’m only okay with kissing if it’s absolutely necessary.”

  


Marlene snorts. She can’t help it. But luckily, Sirius doesn’t seem offended; he just smiles lazily. “Told you we needed to come to an agreement, didn’t I?”

  


“You did, I just didn’t realize you’d thought about it so extensively is all,” she teases, but doesn’t linger. “That all sounds fine to me.”

  


“It’s a deal then,” says Sirius, and they shake on it and everything.

  


Now all she needs is for her parents to fall for it. At the very least, she’ll have bought herself a little time.

  
  


iii.

School ends, and Marlene is home, and all her mum can talk about is how excited she is to meet Marlene’s  _ boyfriend _ , and every time she mentions it, Marlene gets a little queasier. She can’t help but think how  _ disappointing _ she is, how crushed her mother will be if she ever finds out that Marlene is…

  


iv.

Corsica is beautiful, warm and sunny and surrounded on all sides by sparkling blue. There’s a quiet beach not five minutes away from the house they’re renting, and Marlene steals away to it almost as soon as she and her parents arrive.

  


She seats herself on the pink-tinged sand, her legs crossed under her, and lets a handful sift through her fingers like an hourglass.

  


Sirius will be arriving in about two hours.

  


Panic washes over her; she’s submerged for a moment, but it’s gone almost as quickly as it came. They have a  _ plan _ . If there’s one thing Sirius is good at, it’s carrying out ridiculous plans. They’re going to be fine.  _ They’re going to be fine _ .

  


She sits there until her mother calls her back, in a voice full of excitement. It must be nearly time.

  


She’d stroll back along the beach, but she needs to look excited, like she can hardly  _ contain _ herself, and so instead she runs towards the house, her hair flying behind her and the sand slipping under her feet.

  


Marlene’s mother spends ages fussing over her - well, ten minutes, but it feels much longer. She brushes her hair, and changes twice, and twirls around at her mother’s insistence, and then it is time.

  


Sirius smiles brightly at her as soon as he’s emerged from the fireplace. He rights himself (gracefully, somehow) and immediately embraces her, pressing a kiss to her cheek and swaying her from side to side.

  


“Hi,” he says, “I missed you.”

  


She can’t help but giggle, but she thinks it passes as giddy. “It’s hardly been a week, Sirius.”

  


“Longest week of my life,” he declares, and Marlene wishes she were blushing or swooning or something. She settles for giggling again and grabbing his hand when he lets go of her and turns to her parents.

  


“Hello,” he says, extending his free hand towards them, polite but not formal. “I’m Sirius, it’s lovely to meet you.”

  


Her mother looks very thoroughly charmed already, and shakes his hand immediately. Her father, on the other hand, seems slightly wary.

  


“Sirius Black,” he says in a measured tone, eyeing Sirius up and down. “I know your parents.”

  


Even though they’d prepared for this moment - she’d warned Sirius that her father was in law enforcement and might bring up his parents, and she’d told him the best way to handle it - she still finds herself holding her breath, and catches the way Sirius’s face falls.

  


But he sticks to the plan. “Yeah,” he says lightly. “Bloody awful, aren’t they?”

  


“Sirius is in Gryffindor with me,” Marlene adds. “It was one of the fastest Sortings in our whole year.”

  


Her dad nods approvingly, and Marlene watches in relief as he firmly shakes Sirius’s hand. Sirius still has that charming bloody smile on his face, and her mum is still looking enthralled despite Sirius’ swearing. She’s definitely picked the right man for the job.

  


She just hopes she’s up for it as well.

  


v.

They spend a lot of time on the beach that week, skin turning golden in the sun. At night Marlene washes salt out of her hair and sand off of her legs, and she and Sirius sit close to each other on the sofa and play with each other’s fingers. It’s like something out of one of the elaborate fantasies that she’s enthusiastically played out in her head, except there’s always the heat of Sirius’ body and the weight of her parents’ eyes reminding her that it’s real - that she’s walking a tightrope with no safety net.

  


(Maybe if she leans into Sirius’ touches enough, if she chances enough glances at him while he’s lounging next to her on the sand; maybe if, when she’s alone in her room at night, she imagines that he is in her bed with her; maybe something will finally, finally spark inside of her.

  


Maybe, if she wants it badly enough, she’ll start to want him.)

  
  


vi.

She is eating a bowl of passion fruit sorbet, and Sirius’ hand is resting on her bare knee, and it weighs a hundred tonnes. Across from them, her parents are sitting silently - her mother reading the paper, her father sipping a glass of wine - and her mother looks over and smiles that proud, delighted smile, and suddenly Marlene can feel it bubbling up inside of her -  _ I’m a… a… _

  


She shoves a spoonful of sorbet into her mouth and swallows it so fast she almost chokes.

  
  


vii.

As the end of the week draws nearer, the tension in Marlene’s body builds. She’d expected it to go the opposite way - that it would all get easier as the week went on. Instead, she finds herself preoccupied, trying to figure out what she’ll need to do for the rest of the summer to maintain the illusion.

  


And she  _ needs _ to maintain the illusion. Her mother is so happy, and her father approves, and as long as they believe that she’s dating Sirius, it’ll stay that way.

  


Maybe she can convince Sirius to write to her. They’ll tell her parents that he’s going to India with his best friend (not true - James is there now, and will be back a week after Sirius gets home - but her parents don’t need to know that), and that way it won’t be suspicious if the letters are few and far between. But then, she isn’t sure how to convince him of the importance, and without a trip to France to tempt him, Sirius might not be so willing to spend his time on this ruse.

  


She knows she must be acting a little funny. She’s tired, hasn’t been sleeping well, and she barely has an appetite at this point. Her parents don’t seem to have noticed, but she spends less time with them than with Sirius; they prefer to spend their days in town, rather than on the beach. She doesn’t think Sirius has noticed either though, and if he has, he hasn’t brought it up, which is more than fine with her.

  


Two nights before the end of the trip, Marlene is lying in bed, trying and failing to fall asleep, when she is suddenly startled by the sound of pebbles against glass.

  


For a moment, she’s sure she must have imagined it; but she  _ sees _ the next round of pebbles hit her window. She flings the covers off and goes over, only to see Sirius standing on the ground below.

  


“What the hell are you doing, Black?” she asks as soon as she manages to get the window open.

  


Sirius raises an eyebrow, as if to say “Isn’t it obvious?”. He doesn’t answer the question, just dumps his remaining pebbles onto the ground and calls up quietly, “Come for a walk with me.”

  


There’s something akin to panic sparking off in her chest. Sirius’s face is unreadable, but she can feel it: this is not an innocent request. Sirius either knows something or wants something. She’s not sure which option is worse.

  


“I’m tired, Sirius,” she says half-heartedly, but he just raises his eyebrow higher, and she can feel herself crumbling. She sighs heavily and pushes her hair out of her face. “Alright,” she relents. “Alright, just let me get dressed. I’ll be down in a minute.”

  


She creeps down the stairs, her sandals in her hand, and manages to get the door open and closed again without making too much noise. Sirius is standing where she left him, always so casual, the moon waxing gibbous above him. As she approaches, he nods down the road towards the beach.

  


They walk in silence. Marlene’s heart is pounding, and even the sound of the water doesn’t calm her down.

  


Sirius doesn’t speak until they’re on the beach. Even then, he waits until they’ve strolled away from the road before he finally says something.

  


“Why am I here, Marlene?”

  


He isn’t looking at her; his gaze is fixed firmly ahead. So he doesn’t see how hard she swallows, the way her eyes start flitting around as though searching for an escape route.

  


“I thought we agreed no questions,” she says, as evenly as possible.

  


Sirius, though, completely ignores her. “I’ve just been trying to understand it. Because the thing is, Marls - don’t get me wrong or anything, I’ve had a lovely time and all, but it doesn’t seem like it matters all that much that I’m here.”

  


It feels as though all the tension that been building up over the week is suddenly sitting right on her shoulders. She knows she should be thinking fast, trying to come up with some half-truth or lie to ease his suspicions, but instead her brain is full of white noise; she can’t think of anything, she can’t  _ think _ , and the truth is thrumming desperately through her body, begging to be told.

  


Sirius… she knows that Sirius knows what it feels like to be different, to face rejection. He doesn’t talk about it often, but she knows that his family threw him out last summer, no public reason provided other than the simple fact that he’s a Gryffindor when he was supposed to be a Slytherin. So maybe -  _ maybe _ \- he’ll be willing to hear her out. Maybe he’ll keep her secret with her, and even still want to be her friend.

  


She hopes so, because she’s about to start falling apart at the seams.

  


She takes a deep breath, struggling against the weight pressing down on her chest. “Can we sit down?”

  


Sirius obliges her. They sit near the waterline, not close enough for the waves to touch them, but close enough to see the sand glistening as the tide pulls in and out. Marlene tries to match her breathing to it -  _ push, pull, in, out _ . She traces one hand through the sand, the grains shifting and rearranging under her touch.

  


“I need you to be here because I’m trying to stop my parents from getting suspicious,” she says.

  


“Suspicious about…?”

  


Merlin, how can she explain? She’s not sure she has the language, or the courage, or the strength. But she doesn’t think she can bear it anymore - the tension, the pressure, the ache in her chest that comes with holding so much in. Every late night conversation in the dorm -  _ don’t you think he’s so cute, who do you fancy, Marlene, there must be somebody, if boys looked at me the way they look at you I would just die _ \- and her mother’s wishes and expectations and the not knowing, the not understanding, because there’s something about her that’s broken that she doesn’t know how to name -

  


And then it just bursts out of her, words tumbling heedlessly, clumsily, out of her mouth. “When I imagine falling in love, it’s with a woman,” she says. “When I imagine sex, it’s with a woman. And I just - the idea of being with a man, I can’t -” Deep breaths. Sand through her fingers. “It makes me feel sick. I can’t - I don’t know what’s wrong with me -”

  


“Marlene,” Sirius cuts across her, and for a second she is terrified. But there’s something in his voice - a conviction, a fierce sort of pride that she can’t remember hearing there before - that makes her look at him. That fierceness is reflected there too, but it’s warm and without a trace of judgement. “Listen to me, okay? There is  _ nothing _ wrong with you.”

  


The sob she lets out takes her by surprise. Sirius doesn’t try to touch her or hug her, though, and for that she is grateful. She doesn’t think she could handle it right now.

  


“You aren’t broken,” Sirius continues, his voice softening into something gentler. “And you’re not alone. I know it feels as though you’re both, but I  _ promise _ you’re not.”

  


“How do you know?” she challenges. “What am I, if I’m not broken?”

  


“A lesbian,” he says with a little shrug, as though that’s different somehow, and she takes in a sharp breath at hearing it said so frankly. “There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re certainly not the only one.”

  


“Why do  _ you _ sound so sure about it?” Her brain is full of too much noise for her to process, and she  _ hates _ that he sounds so confident, so calm about it. “What could you possibly know about being a… a lesbian?”

  


Sirius looks away, looks up at the sky, and the only noise is the water against the shore. And then he says, so quietly that Marlene almost misses it, “My parents kicked me out because I’m gay.”

  


If Marlene’s brain was in overdrive before, she doesn’t have a word for how she feels right now. She’s always thought of Sirius as such a ladies’ man, even though it’s been so long since she actually saw him with a girl. And then there’s the  _ someone _ that he had to check with before he agreed to come to Corsica… she’s been assuming it was a girl, but…

  


“So the person you had to check with,” she says slowly, “they’re a…” and then it  _ hits _ her - it’s so obvious. “Oh my god,” she exclaims. “James?”

  


Sirius immediately makes this startled choking noise, somewhere between a cut-off cackle and a muffled exclamation. “No!” he says. “Merlin, no. Even if I wanted James I’d be shit out of luck, the poor sod’s genuinely gone for Lily Evans. No.”

  


“Well then, who…?”

  


Sirius smiles, a little dreamily, and that’s when it clicks - for real this time, because oh.  _ Oh _ . She’s seen that smile before, across classrooms and the common room and dining tables.  _ Oh. _

  


“Remus,” she says, and the way his smile grows confirms it. He looks back up at the moon, and Marlene sits back and thinks,  _ there’s nothing broken about that smile _ .

  


“I’m in love with him,” Sirius says, and lets out this laugh - this bright, surprised laugh, and when he glances at her his eyes are shining brighter than his namesake in the sky above them. “Shit, I’ve not said that out loud before. That felt fucking good.”

  


“You should tell him,” says Marlene, imagining Remus’ eyes lighting up the way Sirius’ just did.

  


“Yeah,” Sirius replies absently. “Maybe I will.”

  
  


viii.

They walk back to the house after a while, and the silence between them is much more comfortable now than when they’d left. Marlene is… she’s uncertain, and she’s scared, but somehow she still feels so much lighter.

  


“I know it’s hard,” Sirius tells her before they go their separate ways. “I thought I was broken too. Just… try to let it happen, okay? Don’t try to force yourself to be something you’re not. I know from experience that it’s fucking painful and it doesn’t work.”

  


“What about my parents?” (Because every time she imagines the expression on her mum’s face if she ever finds out, the pressure on her chest returns in earnest; she  _ can’t _ do this to her, she just can’t.)

  


Sirius smiles wryly at her. “I’m the last person on earth who’s going to advocate for telling your parents at all costs,” he points out. “But you can accept the truth about yourself without telling everybody that truth. And I’ll always be around if you need a cover.”

  


There’s a lump in her throat, but she still manages to get out the words “Thank you”. Then Sirius heads over to the little guesthouse that her parents have put him in, and she sneaks back to her bedroom, and she lies awake for a long, long time.

  
  


ix.

The next morning, she’s tired but so much calmer - conflicted still, but not panicky. When she goes downstairs to the kitchen, she spots Sirius through the window; he’s sitting in the shade of a tree, writing something on a roll of parchment. Even from where she’s standing, Marlene can see that same soft smile on his face.  _ A letter _ , she realizes, and decides not to disturb him.

  


(That night, she draws her curtains closed, burrows down under her covers, and tentatively, oh so tentatively, slides her hand into her underwear. For once, she imagines a woman and she doesn’t fight it - doesn’t try desperately to imagine a man, and doesn’t give up altogether and stop. She just lets herself imagine, and lets herself  _ feel _ .

  


She comes so hard she sees stars.)

  
  


x.

When it comes down to it, she doesn’t want to leave Corsica. At first she’d been counting down the days, wanting it all to be over before something could go wrong. But now that so much of the tension has lifted off of her shoulders, she realizes that she’s going to quite miss the sun, and the sand, and the water, and the café down the street with the passion fruit sorbet.

  


Sirius leaves a few hours before she and her parents do. They send him off in the living room, and her mother hugs him tightly, and her father shakes his hand, and it makes something twinge in Marlene’s chest - guilt and disappointment and sadness, because none of it was real, and she can’t even talk to them about it.

  


Then Sirius pulls her into a hug, and she pushes the twinge aside to hug him back tightly. “Thank you,” she whispers. “For everything.”

  


She feels his smile against her temple. “Owl me,” he whispers back. “If you need anything, or if you want to talk. Okay?”

  


She leans up and kisses his cheek in response, and then he steps through the fireplace and is gone.

  


“Oh, Marlene,” sighs her mother happily. “He’s lovely.”

  


_ There’s nothing wrong with me _ , she thinks.  _ I’m not broken. And I’m  _ not  _ alone _ .

  


She’s not sure she believes all of it yet, but it does spark something in her chest. And she realizes suddenly that she’s smiling - widely.

  


“Yeah,” she agrees. “He is.”


End file.
